


you take my hand, leaving me breathless

by dustandashes



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Jason's bad at French, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Mutual Pining, Useless Gays, and awkward, but so adorable, if that's a thing, they're twelve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 11:32:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14831487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustandashes/pseuds/dustandashes
Summary: Peter has a huge crush on Jason. But he's too scared to admit it.Jason feels the same way.





	you take my hand, leaving me breathless

Being gay at a religious school is hard. It’s really, _really_ hard. It’s hard for Peter to listen to his classmates toss out the word “gay” as a careless insult and have to bite his tongue, knowing there’s no way he can say anything without outing himself. It’s hard to listen to the priest drone on about how homosexuality is a sin. It’s hard to go back to his room at the end of the day feeling like there’s something wrong with him, hoping to just cool off and reset when his roommate walks in and brings back all those raging homosexual thoughts.

He knows he needs to stop pining. Really. He knows Jason McConnell is the perfect Catholic golden boy: star athlete, straight-A student, charismatic, and incredibly handsome. He’s everything Peter wishes he could be, and although Peter hates to admit it, Peter’s dream boyfriend. And it’s not like Jason’s secretly a terrible person who picks on kids like Peter. He’s genuinely a nice guy, which makes it so much worse. If it were all about how cute Jason was, Peter knows he’d get over it quickly.

But it’s everything about him. It’s the way he’s always praised as better than his peers but treats everyone like equals. It’s the way he cracks jokes that make Peter laugh until his sides hurt. It’s the way he tries to act like a typical jock but is secretly a huge nerd and will spend hours talking to Peter about whatever interesting topic they discussed in class. It’s the way he scolded Zack when he called Nadia fat, all protective and righteous. It’s the way he always makes sure to include Peter even when he’s hanging out with the guys on the sports team. It’s the way that he makes sure no one is creepy to Ivy now that her chest has started to fill out. It’s the way that he claps Peter on the back in celebration when they both ace a test, and the skin tingles for so long afterwards even though the brief contact was through his shirt. But Jason’s straight, so it’s all pointless.

Sometimes he wonders what Jason would say if he told him he was gay. He knows there’s a difference between Jason and guys like Zack, who would try to switch roommates as soon as possible and probably harass him at every given opportunity. Jason might be uncomfortable and probably disapproving, but Peter hopes he would still be nice to him. He defends anyone and everyone who other students try to put down, and Peter doesn’t know how he would feel if he never saw that beautiful smile directed at him ever again.

But it’s a huge risk. And Peter’s not ready to take a risk like that yet. Instead he’s content to sit on his bed, working on a history assignment while doing everything he can to get Jason off his mind. He’s almost successful when Jason comes in, back from sports practice and all sweaty and looking _so attractive_. It’s almost too much for Peter to handle, and he offers Jason a weak smile before turning back to his homework.

Unfortunately, Jason is not in the mood to let Peter work on his homework alone in peace. “Hey,” he says, smiling. “Need help there?”

Peter shakes his head. “Nah. Unless you can tell me about ancient Greece?” Everyone was assigned a different empire to research, and Jason got Rome. Peter hopes this means that Jason will give up and leave him alone.

“Oh, I actually love ancient Greece,” Jason tells him, and the way his eyes light up is so adorable that it’s unfair.

Peter quickly shakes his head, closing his binder and tossing it aside so he can flop down. He really just wants to relax, and while getting his homework done seemed like a good idea, now he’ll just be thinking of Jason while he does it. Not particularly helpful. But to his dismay, Jason flops down next to him. Peter turns his head to come up with some feeble excuse to get Jason off his bed, but Jason turns _his_ head at the same time, and oh _God_ , their faces are so close that Peter forgets how to breathe for a moment. He can feel Jason’s breath hitting his lips and all he can see is the beautiful blue of Jason’s eyes. His heart skips a beat, but Jason pulls away quickly, his expression unreadable.

“I should probably shower,” Jason says, sitting up.

Peter nods mutely, which is pretty much all he can trust himself to do. It isn’t the first time something like this has happened, but a couple minutes later, it’s always forgotten and everything goes back to normal. At this point, Jason has to know Peter is gay. Peter isn’t sure whether he should be glad or worried that Jason hasn’t brought it up yet.

When Jason comes out of the bathroom, he still is so attractive it hurts. He sits down on Peter’s bed, this time careful to put a little more distance between them. “If I help you with your Greece research, will you help me with French?”

Peter snorts. “That’s not a fair deal at all. You’re screwed if I don’t help, but I’ll do just fine.”

Jason thinks for a moment. “I’ll help you with your homework and I’ll owe you a favor.”

“Deal.” Peter sticks out his hand for Jason to shake, ignoring the butterflies in his stomach and the desire to never let go.

Peter can joke all he wants about how Jason needs his help more than he needs Jason’s, but Jason really does know what he’s talking about when it comes to ancient Greece. Peter could have probably gotten an A- or even an A on his own, but now he’s confident the assignment is worthy of an A+. And as for Jason, well…

“Do you know _any_ French?” Peter asks, trying not to act as amused as he really is as he glances down at the vocabulary list. So far, Jason managed to butcher every single word.

“Um… I can say _bonjour_?” Jason tries. “Baguette?”

Peter rolls his eyes. “I don’t know how you’re passing this class.”

“All thanks to you, of course.” Jason gives him a smile that’s so grateful and genuine that it melts Peter’s heart. He looks at Jason and smiles back a little hesitantly. There’s something in Jason’s eyes… The way he’s looking at Peter is suddenly so intense that Peter has to break the spell and look down.

“I, uh…” Peter mumbles. Suddenly his socks are very interesting. Much more interesting than the way Jason was just looking at him.

“I’m sorry.” Jason looks down too, suddenly shy. “I didn’t mean to… I mean, it’s just… Sorry.”

Peter looks up in confusion. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

“Making you uncomfortable. I mean, you’ve probably guessed I’m… you know… and even if you’re cool with it, I shouldn’t…” Jason trails off. “It’s not even like that. I swear.”

“You’re what? Jason, what are you talking about?” Peter doesn’t want to hope, but it sounds like he means he’s…

“Come on. You _know_. You don’t have to pretend.” Jason looks like he wants to die right then and there.

Peter takes a chance. “Well, if I’m supposed to know that you’re… you know.” He bites his lip nervously. “Then how come you didn’t notice that I am too?” This is the exact opposite of what he’s been expecting. He was so sure Jason would judge him, or at least that Jason was uncomfortable around him because of it, but this was completely out of nowhere.

Jason looks up too now, eyes wide with surprise and… is that _hope_? Surely it can’t be. Jason being gay too is something Peter can sort of wrap his head around. It’s difficult to comprehend that Jason McConnell, the perfect Catholic boy, has the same secret sin weighing him down, but Peter can understand that it’s possible. What seems impossible is that Jason would want him to be the same way. That would mean Jason _likes_ him, and given how he always acts around Peter when they get too close to being affectionate, Jason definitely doesn’t like him. So why would he want Peter to be gay?

Unless Jason wants someone else who understands. Yeah, that has to be it. It’s not like Jason McConnell could ever want _Peter_. He probably likes Zack or someone else who’s more in his league. Peter’s just a friend to commiserate with, most likely. Someone who understands what it’s like to be stuck in this environment with no way out.

“You’re… g-ga-” Jason stumbles over the word, unable to get it out, and Peter nods in confirmation. The next thing he knows, Jason’s arms are wrapped tightly around him and all he can do is return the hug, melting into Jason’s arms. _He doesn’t like you, Peter. Not like that. Get ahold of yourself._

Jason is the one to pull away, but he waits a long time. Long enough for Peter to have already gotten comfortable in his arms.. “Sorry. I didn’t… It’s not that I like you like that or anything. It’s just such a relief to know I’m not the only one.”

And there it is. Jason doesn’t feel that way. Peter isn’t necessarily surprised, but it still stings. “I know,” he says. “I hate the feeling that I’m all alone.” As much as he wishes he could keep his emotions hidden, his voice still sounds a little hurt. Somehow knowing that Jason is gay and still doesn’t like him just makes Peter feel even more alone.

Jason notices. Peter can tell he does. But he doesn’t say anything. “Well, looks like we’re in this together.” He smiles just slightly, and Peter’s heart melts again. He needs to get ahold of himself, and he needs to do it quickly.

“I’m gonna go,” he says. “I promised Matt I’d study with him.” Before Jason can object, he’s out of the room, and he can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

Peter spends the rest of the evening, even dinner, with Matt, pushing down the guilt he feels for abandoning his usual cafeteria seat with the McConnells. Matt’s pretty good company too, but he’s not the one Peter really wants to be talking to. He’s just the person Peter trusts himself around.

Once he and Matt finally work through their last assignment, curfew is in just a few minutes. Peter heads back to the dorm and goes right to the shower, trying to avoid Jason until the last possible minute. It’s only once he’s out of the shower, in his pajamas, and getting into bed that Jason finally has a chance to talk to him again.

“Did I say something wrong?” Jason asks, coming over to sit on the edge of Peter’s bed. He’s definitely not getting out of this conversation.

Peter shakes his head. “No, nothing. It’s just…” He sighs. It’s probably best to just suck it up and be honest. “I like you. I know you don’t feel the same way. That’s fine. I promise I won’t be weird about it. I just thought you should know, I guess.”

There’s a moment of silence, and then Jason takes Peter’s hand. His hand is warm and soft and a little sweaty, probably because he’s nervous. Peter finds that kind of endearing. He looks up at Jason’s eyes, and he’s surprised to see they’re warm with affection.

“Peter, you’re really oblivious,” Jason says, and Peter manages to huff out an offended laugh while still keeping the eye contact. “I like you too. I've liked you basically since we met.”

“Oh,” Peter breathes. He leans forward just as Jason does the same, and the next thing he feels is a sudden pain in his forehead and nose as his face collides with Jason’s in a decidedly unromantic way.

Jason laughs, and Peter can’t help but join in before tilting his head a little and closing the distance again. This time, their lips meet. Neither of them know enough about what they’re doing, and it shows, but somehow it still feels perfect. Time seems to stop, and all that matters is Jason’s lips on his, Jason’s arms wrapping around him and pulling him closer, Jason, Jason, Jason.

They break apart after a few seconds only to start kissing again, this time losing their balance and falling back onto the bed. Okay, so maybe they have no idea what they’re doing. But as long as they’re happy, it doesn’t matter. Peter’s sure they’ll have plenty of time to practice and get better.

Jason shifts so his head is on the pillow, and Peter rests his head on his chest. “I don’t want to go back to my bed,” Jason mumbles.

“Then don’t.” Peter smiles slightly. “No one’s gonna know, right?”

Jason smiles. “Right.”

Peter pulls the covers over them and wraps his arms tightly around Jason’s waist. “So are we… Boyfriends?” he asks hesitantly.

“Boyfriends,” Jason repeats, and Peter can hear the smile in his voice. “Yeah. We are.”

Peter tilts his head up to press a kiss to Jason’s jaw, but instead he’s granted a real kiss. He really can get used to this. Kissing Jason, lying in bed with him, falling asleep on him… It’s perfect.

The next few months are like heaven for Peter. He and Jason try to keep the physical contact to a minimum outside of their dorm room, but it’s hard to keep their hands off each other when they just got together and everything is so new and exciting. At every opportunity, they’re brushing against each other, Jason’s slinging a casual arm around Peter for a second or two, and sometimes during classes or meals, they’ll hold hands under the tables. When they get back to the dorms, they curl up together and finish their assignments as quickly as possible so they can cuddle and talk.

It’s still hard being gay at a religious school. Other students still use the word gay as an insult. The priest still condemns homosexuality. There are still so many days when Peter feels like there’s something wrong with him. But having Jason makes it more tolerable. When he’s around Jason, he feels like everything is right. Nothing so perfect could possibly be wrong in the eyes of God. He loves Jason, Jason loves him, and that’s all that Peter needs.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy pride month! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment if you enjoyed!


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